Anatol Zukerman

 

Pilgrims and Indians

 

A bronze Massasoit gazed at the Plymouth Rock monument below and the Atlantic ocean beyond.  The ocean played with blues, greens and grays moving them in accordance with flying clouds. Wet wind squeezed tears from tourists’ eyes. Four teenagers stared at the Indian.

“This Mr. Massasoit protected the Pilgrims,” said one of them, a tall guy with green hair. “I wonder why.”

“The Pilgrims probably gave him a rifle and cheap jewelry,” said a skinny kid with red hair. “The Indians gave them turkeys and tobacco in exchange for bling and clap. Hell of a deal, no?”

“Why do people always kill other people before building them memorials?” said a plump girl with blue hair. “I mean, why can’t they build memorials without killing?”

“So, the victims never forget the villains?” suggested skinny.

 “Like the Holocaust Memorial in Berlin,” said the plump one.

“Killing strangers and building memorials,” said a lanky girl with black hair. “What fun! The whole world will soon look like a giant cemetery with nine billion people walking between memorials.”

“These Indians are not Indians,” said the skinny kid. “The real Indians live in India. Columbus stumbled on America but called it India. Fraud!”

“Everybody makes mistakes,” said Hanna. “The Pilgrims were going to Virginia but landed in Massachusetts, found a small stream and called it Plym.  But the real river Plym stayed in England.”

“Plym-plym-plym!” said skinny. “Sounds like waves lick rocks.”

 “Columbus was a Jew from Genoa,” said Rachel.  “Americo Vespucci was Italian and named the whole continent in his name. So, Jews and Italians discovered America that should be called Columbia. It’s all clear to me now.”

“So, you think Mongols were Jewish too?” asked Mike. “They came from Mongolia all the way to the north-east tip of Siberia, crossed to Alaska and went all the way to Argentina. How about them, Jewish wanderers?”

            “Don’t forget Egyptians and Vikings,” reminded Hanna. “They wandered into America too.”

            “I bet Mr. Massasoit was circumcised,” said tall.

            “Check it out,” said Rachel.

             “So, the Jewish Mongols went west and conquered the whole Asia and Europe,” continued skinny. “Then they went east and populated the Americas. Chosen people, I guess.”

            “You watch too much National Geographic, Mike”, said tall.

“And you watch too much football, Rick,” answered Mike.

            “I also play football, Mike. What do you play?”

“Chess and tennis,” said Mike.

            “Might as well play with yourself.”

“That’s a nice game,” said Rachel. “Show us, Mike.”

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

 “We are standing on the bones of many people,” mused Hanna. “I feel them with my feet, just like in Berlin.” She looked at the ocean and smiled. “But the sea always makes me happy.”

“That’s because we all came from the sea,” noted Mike.

“Speak for yourself,” said Rick, grabbed Mike and lifted him in the air. “Would you like to go back to the sea?”

“I want to be a mermaid!” squealed Mike. “Put me down!”

Rick put Mike down and straightened his shirt. “Michael, the mermaid. Want to change your sex, Mike?”

“No, but I wonder how a fish became a woman with a fish tail.”

“Don’t you know?” asked Rick. “Fishermen made love to fishes when they were at sea for a long time. So their children became mermaids. You’ll be a cross between a fish and a fisherman.”

“You speak from experience?” said Rachel.

“Yea, I like cold fish and cold women.”

“Why don’t you find yourself a hot woman?” asked Rachel.

“Like I said, I like cold women,” said Rick and kissed Rachel.

“Look at this plaque,” said Hanna. “It says one hundred and four Pilgrims landed here but forty five of them died in the first year. Home, sweet home!”

“Poor Pilgrims!” said Rick. “No computers, no TV, no health insurance.”

“No bureaucrats, no politicians, no taxes,” said Mike. “I don’t know why they didn’t get along with the Puritans of Salem.”

“Because the Pilgrims did not purify themselves by burning witches,” said Rick.

 “The whole Europe burned witches,” said Rachel. “That was a part of Western civilization.”

“Now we have Eastern civilization in Afghanistan. They kill women with stones,” said Hanna. “Want to volunteer for service in Afghanistan, Hanna?” asked Rick.

“Why don’t you volunteer, Rick? You’re so strong and brave,” said Hanna.

“That’s all right,” said Rick. “I prefer to die in a car accident.”

“Do you want to be buried or incinerated, like a good Salem witch?” asked Mike.

“I want to be Neptune, so I can live forever and play underwater tennis with you, Mermaid.”

 “Don’t worry, kids,” said Rachel. “Governor Jane Swift exonerated the Salem witches.”

“So they were incinerated, exonerated and emancipated,” said Hanna.

“And the Indians were exterminated, their land was expropriated and the American dream evaporated,” said Mike.

“No, it didn’t,” said Rick. “I had a dream that one day people will be judged not by the color of their skin but by the size of their bank account.”

“That’s not a dream, that’s reality,” noted Mike. “I had a dream that one day politicians will be judged by the size of their lies.”

“Lies are the back side of truth,” said Rick.

“And the Devil is the back side of God,” said Mike.

“God forbid your father hears you saying that,” cautioned Rachel.

“Look how many bronze letters on this plaque are missing,” said Hanna. “Why can’t the town fix them?”

“Why can’t the town close the Pilgrim nucular plant?” said Rachel.

“That’s our radiant future,” said Rick. “But Massasoit will survive it.”

 “People who forget their future are destined to repeat it,” declared Mike. “You can quote me.”

“We are the future!” exclaimed Rick. “Tomorrow belongs to us! We will slave in restaurants and cheat on taxes!”

“No,” countered Mike. “Robots and drones will slave in restaurants. We will push buttons and free the Indians from reservations!”

“I have reservations about the reservations!” said Rick. “I think the Jewish American Indian Mongols like to live in reservations and build casinos, so their future is radiant too.”

“Our future may be radiant, but my belly is ravished,” said Hanna and hugged Mike. “Let’s go for pizza, so other people can slave for us.”

“Free at last!” said Rachel.

“Pizza is the solution for the hungry world,” announced Mike. “Let’s make a huge pizza and give everybody a slice.”

 “And put a statue of the Jewish-American-Indian-Mongol-Egyptian-Viking in the center of that pizza!” said Hanna.

The four teenagers went off laughing, talking and pushing each other. Massasoit frowned and dropped a tear from his high cheek bone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pilgrims and Indians Act 2

The same scene, only the sky is now clear blue. Four tourists from Texas stare at the bronze Massasoit and the Plymouth Rock memorial below.

Roland (a tall skinny middle-aged man in alligator boots): Boy, am I disappointed. That’s the famous Plymouth Rock? Hell, that little rock is the cornerstone of our great nation?

Rosalinda (a short plump woman in her forties): What’s the matter with you Rol? Don’t you know Yankees? They talk big, but they are small and small-minded.

Roland: Yankee-Shmankee, I don’t care. I want the United States be based on something better than that pathetic little rock.

Melinda (a tall skinny woman in blue dress and high heels): Yea, why don’t you buy a big rock and put it on top of that frigging portico, Rol? So people will know that a big Texas yahoo did that.

Warren (an old man in his fifties wearing red pants and a yellow jacket): This little town of Plymouth must be Democratic, that’s why it’s financially depressed. I wonder if we should buy us some property here.

Rosalinda: Warren, are you losing your marbles? These Yankees will never sell you anything valuable. They’ll milk you like that favorite cow of yours, they’ll squeeze you dry and you’ll be sucking  your thumb instead of sipping your whiskey.

Warren: Well, darling, if I were you I wouldn’t be talking about sucking.

Melinda: All right you two, don’t you be talking such a trash! Look at this Mr. Massasoit here. He’s tall, bronzed and handsome, nothing like our squat Mexis.

Roland: There you go again, Mel. Those Mexis hold this nation together like a magic glue. They work for us at all the jobs the spoiled Mericans won’t touch. And by the way, they are here in this Taxachusetts too.

Warren: Oh, they are all over the blessed United States.

Roland: You betcha, Warr. You drive south from here for half-hour, there’s a place called Pine Hills. That’s where old people with money live. That’s where Mexis do all the landscaping and some construction. I like what they’re building there. The developers are Jews but they’re okay.

Rosalinda: Jews are not okay, Roll, you know that. They all are going to hell for crucifying Lord Jesus.

Melinda: I don’t get it, Rose. You say Jews go to hell, but your own bumper sticker says “My boss is a Jewish carpenter”.

Rosalinda: What’s the matter with you, Mel? Your panties too tight, or what? Don’t you know that Lord Jesus assumed the image of a Jewish carpenter to test the Jews, but they rejected Him and betrayed Him. That’s why they go to hell.

Melinda: I know that, but why didn’t Jesus choose other peoples, like Chinese or Russians? Why didn’t He assume the image of a Chinese carpenter to test them?

Roland: What’s the matter with you, Mel? Don’t you know that Jesus spared the Chinese so they could buy American assets and lend us money?

Warren: That’s right! Chinese commies are buying America, they colonize Africa and spread their spider web all over the world. They are worse than the Jews. They provide cheap labor and suck up American jobs. Our big boys ship their businesses to China while we’re sitting and flapping our ears!

Rosalinda: This professor from Rice University talked about China at our club. He said Chinese people went all the way from China to the tip of Siberia, crossed Bering Straits into Alaska and spread all over America. Is there any wonder we have so many commies and Marxists?

Melinda (laughing): Rose, are you out of your skirts? First of all they were not Chinese, they were Mongols. Second, there was no commies a thousand years ago, they were just hoods on horses with bows and arrows.

Rosalinda: Oh, you are so smart, aren’t you, Mel? How do you know there was no commies a thousand years ago? Them commies crucified Lord Jesus two thousand years ago, they worshipped the Devil and the Golden Calf and they’re going straight to hell to burn in slow fires forever.

Melinda: Like the Salem witches, Rose? Those Puritan Yankees use to burn them at the stake for fun. You think those witches were commies too?

Rosalinda: Why are you worrying about witches, Mel? Do you fly on a broomstick by night?

Melinda: Yea, I fly on a broomstick, but better a witch than a bitch like you.

Roland: All right you two, stop it and behave, or I’ll break your butts. There are people listening to you bickering like children. What will they think of the great State of Texas?

Rosalinda: They will think what is a dumb shit kicker like you doing in a historic place like this.

Roland: I’m doing the same thing that you’re doing, Rose: learning the Yankee culture, like burning witches, building nucular plants and raising taxes instead of raising cattle.

Warren: Speaking of taxes, I think we should buy that stinky little motel at the sea shore nearby, tear it down and build a new one. That would be a good tax shelter, you think, Rol?

Roland: That may just work, Warr. I figure twenty, twenty five mil for construction, a couple of mil for bureaucrats and ads.

Warren: Don’t forget the beach, Roll. The beach is neglected, but the sea is beautiful. This is the frigging Atlantic Ocean we’re talking about! We’ll demolish that concrete retaining wall, build a real stone wall with benches and flowers, and bring tourists from all over the world.

Rosalinda: That’s my Warren, a beautiful dreamer under the influence of Yankee culture. And what about the rising sea level and the nucular plant just around the corner? That plant is the oldest nuke in Merica, just waiting for an accident to happen. I’m sure the tourists around the world would flock to your hotel to get radiant.

Melinda: And don’t forget about tsunamis. It happened in Japan, it can happen here too.

Warren: You think I’m a college kid or something? I went to Town Hall while you were shopping, I talked to some interesting people there, okay! They plan to close the damn plant soon, or they may fix it, but don’t tell me about tsunamis, you silly! I researched the internet while you were polishing your nails. Massachusetts sits in seismic Zone 2, not in the Zone 3 like Japan and California. A mild earthquake is possible, three or four max on the Richter scale, that’s it.

Rosalinda: So, you’re going to move here with all your cows and horses and shovel the snow and shiver in the New England wind, that’s great. But don’t expect me to follow you here. I’ve better things to do in Waco.

Warren: No, my cows including you will stay home. You can play bingo with your friends and that minister of yours, he’ll tell you more about Lord Jesus who created cows in your image…

Rosalinda: I don’t know what you talking about, this is trash.

Roland: Ah, Warr, I got an idea. This is a windy place, right? So, we can build more wind turbines here. What you have on your farm in Waco? Five small turbines? Here we can build fifteen big ones, like those on Route 3 in Kingston!

Warren: You got it, Rol! I talked to people here. Massachusetts gives grants and tax incentives for the wind and solar power, you betcha!

Rosalinda: And you think the local NIMBYs are going to sit and watch you? They’ll shout you down at public meetings and print hateful letters in the press.

Warren: Oh yea! And what’s the NIMBYs choice, my darling? The aging nucular plant? So, what do you think they’ll choose? The wind and sun or deadly radiation?

Rosalinda: Oh, hell, Mel, looks we’re going to lose our boys.

Melinda: I don’t know, Rose. I think, I can live here a couple of months in the summer. Waco is just too damn hot in the summer, even with the air-conditioning. And by-the-by, Rose, this town has a nice art center with a quilt-making group of citizens, I met them at our hotel.

Rosalinda: I think you’ll are out of your crazy minds and I don’t do no quilts anymore.

The four Texans went off, hugging and talking. The bronze Massasoit smiled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act 3.

The same scene. The sky is now perilous, purple clouds are gathering at the horizon. Four Russian tourists are staring at the Plymouth Rock memorial and the bronze Massasoit.

List of characters

Vladimir – a young Russian entrepreneur on a trip to America, a tall muscular man in his thirties, smartly dressed in expensive garments.

Olga – Vladimir’s wife, a tall blond, wearing a fancy dress and high heels.

Andrei – A professor of American history, employed by Vladimir, a skinny bespectacled man in his forties.

Natasha – Andrei’s wife, a school teacher, a plump brunette wearing a dark dress and white sneakers.

 

Vladimir: So, this is the famous Plymouth Rock, the corner stone of the greatest democracy in the world?

Olga: Muslims call it the Great Satan.

Andrei: This town looks like a drunken fisherman, not a Great Satan.

Vladimir: Like Novgorod in Russia, the birth place of the Evil Empire, only it looks like a drunken carpenter, not a fisherman.

Olga (hugging Vladimir): Novgorod is also the birth place of Vladimir Rogov, an evil oligarch.

Vladimir: Thank you, darling.

Natasha The Evil Empire had free housing, education and health care. What’s left of it is the democratic Russia with drugs, prostitution and corruption.

Vladimir: Sounds like America. But this Plymouth is not the real America. This is the place where European adventurers started the extermination of Indians. The real America is in her vast forests, valleys and mountains, where the-salt-of-the-earth farmers till the land and hang negroes*.

Natasha: They don’t hang negroes anymore, but they still till the land and use government subsidies.

Olga: I’ve heard the government pays them to limit their harvests. Is that true?

Natasha: Sure is, because they want to keep the food prices high.

Olga: I wish the Evil Empire had this problem.

Andrei: Right, but 13% of Americans can’t afford to buy healthy good and 5% live below the poverty level.

Vladimir: So why does the government support high food prices?

Andrei: Because the farmers lobby the government. They have money, they have an organization and political connections while the others have none.

Natasha: That’s called democracy, guys! We still have to learn it.

Andrei: What did you expect to see – a heaven on earth?

Natasha: Not heaven but capitalism with a human face. Now capitalism is either sitting on the human face or wearing a human mask.

Vladimir: Do you prefer socialism with a human face, Natasha?

Natasha: I do, Vlad, you know that. Remember NEP?

Vladimir: The New Economic Policy? My grandfather remembered that. He was one of those evil capitalists under the Communists’ control.

Natasha: So, the Chinese and Scandinavians are following that Lenin’s model now.

Olga: Natasha, when did the farmers stop hanging the negroes?

Natasha: Oh, that happened gradually during the 60-s, after a big struggle.

Olga: You mean the 1860-s?

Vladimir (laughing): Baby, what did you do in your history class? Polish your nails as usual?

Olga (angry): One day these nails will scratch your perfectly shaven cheeks!

Natasha: Olia, you’re only one hundred years too early. The United Stated abolished slavery in 1861, the same year Russia abolished serfdom, but the persecution of negroes continued until the 1960-s.

Vladimir: And the persecution of Russian peasants continued until Stalin’s death in 1953. So much are in common between our great countries.

Natasha: But now a black guy is elected President of the United States! Miracles never cease!

Andrei: I don’t think that was a miracle. Since FDR’s reforms the rich white guys gradually turned the American democracy into a plutocracy. They ruined the national economy, lost several wars, and stole so much of the national wealth that the whole mortgage system collapsed. Then they put a black guy to clean their mess and use the public money to bail them out. I think the plutocrats planned that whole scheme in advance.

Natasha: And if the black man refused to bail them out they’d kill him like they killed Kennedy and Lincoln.

Vladimir: And like Stalin killed Trotsky, and the entire Lenin’s government. More in common.

Andrei: There’s nothing in common there, Vlad. Stalin killed twenty million of his own friends. American plutocrats killed only their enemies.

Natasha: Stalin’s Russia was really evil. Then Khrushchev and Brezhnev removed the evil but lost the arms race with the United States. Then Yeltsin dismantled the Soviet Union and Russia became a different evil under a democratic disguise. Is that what I should teach my students?

Andrei: Teach them not to kill, steal and lie. Tell them not to bring guns in school. Thirty thousand people die from gun wounds every year the US. Russia’s still lagging in that area.

Olga: I own a hand gun. Bought it after some jerk attacked me on a street. This world is getting crazy. If everybody has a gun then bad guys would think twice before attacking people.

Vladimir: Baby, the bad guys would simply shoot first.

Natasha: Have you registered the gun, Olia?

Olga: No.

Natasha: You should, otherwise you can’t shoot, even in self-defense.

Andrei: But if you register it you can shoot anyone who you think is a jerk.

Olga: So how do we make this world more peaceful?

Vladimir: By making the Evil Empire get friendly with the Great Satan.

Olga (laughing): Are you losing your mind, darling?

Vladimir: Let me explain. The Evil claims to be good and the Satan claims to be angelic.  So, let them practice what they preach. Let them help depressed towns like Plymouth and my native Novgorod. Why not make Plymouth and Novgorod sister cities? Both towns are about the same size, both are historical and depressed. Then all the depressed towns in Russia and the US will follow our example.

Natasha: That’s a very good idea, Vlad! Let’s go to Town Hall, talk to the manager and the historic committee.

Andrei: They’ll shake your hands and ask you for a bribe.

Natasha: Bribes are strictly prohibited in America.

Andrei: Yea, and politicians are prohibited to lie. A bribe can take many legitimate forms, Natasha. Like the Devil who can take a shape of a snake or a beautiful woman like you.

Natasha: Thank you, darling. Next time I won’t share an apple with you.

Vladimir: What do you mean “legitimate”, Andrei?

Andrei: For example, you can make a donation to a historic commission, or to an affordable housing fund, or to a school construction, or to a clean energy fund, or…

Natasha: Or to this historic park! Look at this: bronze letters are missing from this tomb, concrete is crumbling, benches are falling apart…

Vladimir: All right, all right, I got the idea. I do this in Russia but I thought it’s different here.

Andrei: Sure it’s different. Bribes are much better camouflaged here than in Russia. Like two sisters wearing different dresses. The Novgorod sister wears a deeper cleavage than her Plymouth sister, but their boobs are almost the same.

Natasha: And both the Pilgrims and Vikings were modest, deeply religious, hard-working people. Their women were pregnant every year and their breasts were always hard and full of milk.

Vladimir: And both were democratic. Remember the first parliament in Russia one thousand years ago, the Novgorod Veche.

Olga: And now the Duma is serving Tsar Putin on her back.

Natasha: So, will you do it, Vlad? The grateful Russia will not forget you. President Putin will stand on his tiptoes and pin a medal on your chest.

Vladimir: Hell, why not! I can swing a couple of grands for the sake of geo-political balance. I’m sure this investment will bear juicy fruits.

Olga: And what about our trip to Nice in September?

Vladimir: Don’t worry, baby, we’ll go to Nice. It’s more important to bring our two great countries closer to each other.

Olga: Yea, like you are closer to that bimbo in Moscow than to me…

Natasha (ignoring Olga): Yes, let’s melt down the new Cold War, shall we! Let’s divide the world by the Russian hemisphere and the American hemisphere. Just like George Orwell predicted – the East versus the West. Let’s restore the Great Russian Empire of the Tsars including Ukraine, Georgia, Moldova, Belarus, Poland, Finland, the Baltic republics and all the Muslim kingdoms in the south! Then we’ll fight our terrorists and America will fight theirs.

Andrei: Peace and friendship on Earth with good will to all and malice to none including Sarah Palin who watches Russia from her backyard!

Natasha: Speaking of her backyard, Alaska used to be another part of the Russian Empire and the Russian Old Believers still live there.

Andrei: And don’t forget the Russian Hill in San-Francisco. I want to make San-Francisco a sister city of Seattle. I’m sure Mr. Massasoit would approve.

The four Russians walked off, laughing and hugging each other. The bronze Massasoit raised his arms to the sky.